Every new day is a gift, it's a song of redemption

I'm not one for New Year's resolutions because I believe self improvement and revolution is critical 365 days a year, however, I have set out to be more honest in my every day life this year. I truly started this honesty kick about 8 or 9 months ago, but so far things have been going fairly well.

I've definitely become more honest with people than I ever have been in the past and it's a very good feeling. I no longer feel selfish or guilty for not wanting to do certain things (or wanting to do things). Perhaps sometimes my reasoning for not wanting to do something (or vice versa) isn't "right" but how do you differentiate right from wrong in many cases? Sometimes there is no difference. Sometimes it's just a choice that you have to stand by, and I have been doing so.

The one thing I still need to work on is how to truly be honest with myself, especially regarding my needs and desires. Why is it so much easier for me to be honest with others rather than myself? Admitting to oneself what you need and desire to have a fulfilling life shouldn't be something to be ashamed of. It should be something you are proud of.

Maybe I am afraid to set myself up for disappointment or perhaps it's fear of rejection. I know that as time progresses I'll be able to be more honest with myself, but it's still frustrating that I sometimes can't treat myself with the complete openness and respect that I am learning to treat others with. I do know that I will get there one day soon though. Sometimes the journey is more important than the destination. Life is and should be a work in progress.

Because the wind is high, it blows my mind

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit off. I’m not sure if it was the grey heavens or the chilly breeze that caused this, but some element stirred a sense of dismay within my soul. It’s been some time now since my last relationship ended, and this self reflection period has caused my thoughts to get quite creative.

I suppose the issue is my thoughts always were creative, and I am now only coming to terms with the fact that my hunches were likely right. To be honest, I don’t know if they even were hunches. I think that they were realities that I refused to accept.

I have always been the type of person who didn’t believe in true love, so to speak. However, the way in which my relationship ended and the details and realizations of that past relationship have possibly changed my mind. Maybe I do believe in true love. Perhaps I even desire it and always have.

I’m not positive what I believe or what I want or even need. I just know what love does not and shouldn’t feel like. It shouldn’t feel like a convenience, or that it’s a task or a job. It isn’t just about how one fits into another’s life. It isn’t a reward.

It should be much more than that. It’s about mental and physical attraction, total acceptance, intimacy. To me love should be about fluidity, not stability. However, that’s the nature of love itself. For some people, maybe love really is simply being comfortable and being safe. I just happen to believe there is more depth to love than that.

And you may ask yourself, where does that highway go?

What is more important – logic and planning or feeling? I always thought I valued logic over feeling. One should base their decisions on careful thoughts and shouldn’t act on gut feelings, instincts or emotions, right?

However, I’ve realized that all my decision making and planning has been due to feelings anyway. Through introspection I’ve decided to take necessary courses of action. Is this not the same as simply acting upon feelings and emotions? Would my life be any different if I acted more impulsively or would I end up with the same results?

As I sit here and type this I ask myself what I’m currently doing with my life. I’m happy to be here and I have a lot to be thankful for, but I believe that there is a greater purpose for me out there; I can feel it. How do I figure out what that purpose is and how do I get there?

My feelings and emotions tell me that sitting here at this desk is not the answer, but my logical side tells me I should be happy because I do have a job, and many people are less fortunate.

I’m fearful of becoming complacent. This is not what I want or see in my future. This is never what I saw in my future. It may sound cliché but who am I and what have I become? Perhaps my choices don’t always have to be so judicious. I need to be more welcoming of feelings, emotions, and love if I want to find my deeper meaning.

Analog boy in a digital world

So, I’m not ashamed to admit that I waste countless hours on the internet. As most of us are, I’m unfortunately a slave to technology. I don’t absolutely detest the World Wide Web though; it has served me fairly well. I’ve made various (good) friendships online. It may sound kind of silly coming from someone who has had pretty good luck online, but I absolutely hate this whole online dating ordeal.

It isn’t hard to tell that most online dating and social media profiles are orchestrated very carefully. We all assume we have to be a certain type of person to attract the type of person we want, but that just seems so unnatural to me. We craftily answer our questions and state our likes and dislikes, in hopes that we may spark someone’s interest.

What are we really achieving by doing that though? We are turning ourselves into concepts. We aren’t people anymore. We aren’t feelings or emotions. We are what we like (or what we supposedly enjoy, according to our profiles). In my opinion, this is the recipe for disaster and extreme disappointment.

Apparently there is an unwritten rule in the online dating world that states that you should give up on courting an individual if plans haven’t been made after a few messages or conversations.

Why in the world would I want to meet with a complete stranger because they asked me how my day was and because I like the concept of what this person may be?

So you like craft beer, Sleater Kinney and Nolan movies? That’s cool. I do as well, but so did one of my ex boyfriends and he was a complete asshole. I’m not an asshole though, so your fondness for beer, music and movies tells me nothing about you other than the fact that you may or may not be a jerk.

I’m not really sure where I was going with this, or how I would even improve the online dating world. I’m just extremely baffled as to how it is set up and how it’s accepted to be. It seems to be an extremely frivolous way to meet someone.

Back to Bermuda....

We (collectively) were able to spend 6 lovely nights in Bermuda this past July. It really is the perfect place to have some rum (or in my case, sip on some wine!), unwind and relax in a beautiful setting for a few days. We stayed in St. George’s this time around and I am very happy we did so. The south shore beaches are absolutely beautiful but the quaint, historic charm of St. George’s always brings us back there.

Outside our vacation rental in St. George's

Tobacco Bay, St. George's

Warwick Long Bay

Horseshoe Bay Beach

St. George's Harbor

Downtown St. George's

Went to a couple places, met a few cool cats, but I'm maxed out on margaritas and tacos for the rest of the year. Gracias, no gracias.

San Antonio, TX

Los Angeles

Boris is the best

Richmond, Virginia

Woah, I'm going to Barbados

So, Barbados was pretty awesome. 

Beautiful beaches, cheep beer/rum, relaxation, friendly people, easy and cheap public transportation...what more could you ask for?  I definitely hope to go back one day.  I was a little worried about traveling with a same sex couple, but we didn't have any problems at all. Everyone seemed to be super accepting (of course, we are tourists and they want our money) but it was a beautiful country and a great trip (especially because we got "stuck" in paradise one extra day - thanks mother nature!).

Until my next trip, I will have to live vicariously through these pictures.

The Beer of Barbados

Maxwell Beach

Enterprise/Miami Beach, Oistins

Rockley/Accra Beach, Hastings

Dover Beach, St. Lawrence Gap