Because the wind is high, it blows my mind

I woke up this morning feeling a little bit off. I’m not sure if it was the grey heavens or the chilly breeze that caused this, but some element stirred a sense of dismay within my soul. It’s been some time now since my last relationship ended, and this self reflection period has caused my thoughts to get quite creative.

I suppose the issue is my thoughts always were creative, and I am now only coming to terms with the fact that my hunches were likely right. To be honest, I don’t know if they even were hunches. I think that they were realities that I refused to accept.

I have always been the type of person who didn’t believe in true love, so to speak. However, the way in which my relationship ended and the details and realizations of that past relationship have possibly changed my mind. Maybe I do believe in true love. Perhaps I even desire it and always have.

I’m not positive what I believe or what I want or even need. I just know what love does not and shouldn’t feel like. It shouldn’t feel like a convenience, or that it’s a task or a job. It isn’t just about how one fits into another’s life. It isn’t a reward.

It should be much more than that. It’s about mental and physical attraction, total acceptance, intimacy. To me love should be about fluidity, not stability. However, that’s the nature of love itself. For some people, maybe love really is simply being comfortable and being safe. I just happen to believe there is more depth to love than that.

And you may ask yourself, where does that highway go?

What is more important – logic and planning or feeling? I always thought I valued logic over feeling. One should base their decisions on careful thoughts and shouldn’t act on gut feelings, instincts or emotions, right?

However, I’ve realized that all my decision making and planning has been due to feelings anyway. Through introspection I’ve decided to take necessary courses of action. Is this not the same as simply acting upon feelings and emotions? Would my life be any different if I acted more impulsively or would I end up with the same results?

As I sit here and type this I ask myself what I’m currently doing with my life. I’m happy to be here and I have a lot to be thankful for, but I believe that there is a greater purpose for me out there; I can feel it. How do I figure out what that purpose is and how do I get there?

My feelings and emotions tell me that sitting here at this desk is not the answer, but my logical side tells me I should be happy because I do have a job, and many people are less fortunate.

I’m fearful of becoming complacent. This is not what I want or see in my future. This is never what I saw in my future. It may sound cliché but who am I and what have I become? Perhaps my choices don’t always have to be so judicious. I need to be more welcoming of feelings, emotions, and love if I want to find my deeper meaning.